room moms, carpet munching and elephant shit...oh my!!!

Sorry I've been out of touch. It was a busy week. The first full week of school and I had to start playing catch-up with all the things I didn't get done during the summer. As a room mom, I had to make my "please sign up for activities or I'll break your knee caps" speech at parent/teacher night on Tuesday and um, ya' know, I've been busy watching British lesbian movies. No, I haven't switched teams yet but for some reason, I just keep turning on the TV when this one movie about a confused British girl is airing. Ya' think it's trying to tell me something?! *wink*

I haven't spoken much about the dating site lately. I'm done with the message boards for the time being. When I start getting angry, yes angry, at all the douchebagcocksuckingballlickinghypocritical cyber people, it's time to take a break! I kinda' thought a dating site would be for, um, oh, like...dating. Lately, a constant flow of losers who clearly are there just to be miserable since it's obvious no woman in her right mind would want them have plagued the board and while it's very easy to ignore what they write, it's still just bothersome to know they're there when some of us are trying to have serious debates...like what we should make for dinner that night or to make fun of another board member.

Then there are those people who always play the "oh woe is me" card, whose never-ending posting about everyone hating them, the whole world being against them, not being able to find anyone who would date them (I can't imagine why!) and the ever-popular, "I'm going to kill myself if you don't read my posts". It's pretty comical, actually, but nevertheless, reading that same shit day in and day out is enough for me to want to shove my head up an elephant's ass just before he takes a hairy dump. Need I say more?!

So that's really it for me! Hope everyone's doing well!

a funny thing happened on the way to my blog...

Well, maybe it's not so funny but it sure is freakin' weird.

I logged onto my computer this afternoon. Hotmail informed me that I had 2 messages waiting for me. One was a message on that dating site I belong to. The other 3 were comments that people had posted to my blog.

No, this isn't some fucked up math word problem on crack and you didn't read this incorrectly.

Since I moderate my comments, I have to read them first before I decide whether or not they're to be published to my blog or rejected. I read the comments twice and they made no sense as none applied to any posts I had recently published.

Then I noticed...these are comments from back in February. Two were from a gal who doesn't even blog anymore.

WTF?! Talk about a major Blogger hiccup! Anyone else experience something similar?

there ain't no muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' blog!

I watched several movies today, one of which was Snakes on a Plane. Even though I once owned a snake (and I'm not referring to the person who shall not be mentioned here), it didn't prepare me for this movie. What it did prepare me for was how to make certain devices that are sure to kill a poisonous snake should I ever encounter one on a mid-air flight.

Which brings me to say, that there's no fucking way in hell that I'm getting on a plane again any time soon. But at least when I do I'll feel all brave and shit like MacGyver...ya' know, when I have to strangle the spit out of a Cobra (get it?! Cobras don't bite, they spit!), let's say, and I'll be able to admit that I know what I'm doing 'cause I saw this stupid ass movie.

And ya' know what I just LOVE about the movies that claim they're based on a true story? Because many of them are about demonic possession and exorcisms and I just totally love that shit! Not because I enjoy watching people flop around on a bed that's moving by itself like they're riding a roller coaster without the protective harness on or screaming obscenities to others in an ancient foreign language (although that would be really cool 'cause then the stupid people wouldn't know what I was saying about them) but because these types of movies always leave me wondering if this shit really happens or if these people are really unmedicated schizophrenics. Not to make light of either 'cause I don't want schizophrenics everywhere to hurl their antipsychotic drugs at their computer screen and I know how seriously the Catholic people take their exorcisms, I'm just sayin'...

Trust me when I tell you that I can relate. Like when my PMS kicks in and I want to chuck percussion grenades at everyone who looks at me funny.

Anyway, apparently this shit really does happen so I'll stop channeling Samuel L. Jackson and just shut up now.

time flies

It's hard for me to believe how much time has passed since I last posted. It's been a busy week, with my kids starting school, room mother meetings for me and ya' know, me wearing my pants inside out while running around town doing errands.

Don't ask. Please. I'm scarred for life.

Other than the pants incident, I don't have much to offer you as far as news. I hope y'all are doing well and I'll be by to visit you this weekend as it's my weekend without the kids.

did i hear correctly?!

Has anyone else heard the radio advertisement for a national campaign to crack down on speeders?

The tag line is "Over the limit, under arrest".

*blank stare*

If that's the case, then I have just one question for y'all...

WTF am I gonna' do if I'm in jail every other day?!


Oh yeah, I have another question, completely off-topic...

How did my built-in 56.6k computer modem turn into a 28.8k modem??? Those fucking computer tards. Rrrrrrrrr...

here one minute, gone the next

You would never have known that I had computer problems yesterday if I didn't tell you myself.

One minute I was connected to the Internet, the next I could dial in (yes, I have dial-up, shut up!!) but it wouldn't connect. Luckily, there is a computer fix-it shop about 5 minutes from here, I took it and they had a solution by the end of the day.

You may not know this if you don't have dial-up but Internet providers will periodically delete and add numbers at will and without warning. And that's what happened to me...in the middle of the connection, they took away the local number I've used to connect with for the last 4 years. It never even dawned on my fried brain that I should try to connect using another number 'cause if I had, I would have noticed the several other local numbers that had recently been added.

For a few bucks more, the computer company offered to clean up my desk-top and hard drive. Cool beans! My computer has been fragmented for some time now and I've avoided doing it myself because I'm not very computer literate and I don't know my elbow from my asshole when it comes to the real techy stuff.

I was kinda' jonesin' for my 'puter last night. It's amazing how much one can get done when you don't have a computer to fill your time!

Happily, I picked up my computer this morning, took it home, hooked it up and...NOTHING. I could dial in no problem but none of the browsers I use could find a server to connect to. Called up these computer geeks to give them a piece of my mind and they admitted that sometimes when spyware is run and things are cleaned up, software can be deleted or not recognized and suggested that I bring my computer back in again. This was less than an hour after I had gotten my computer home!!! After several minutes on the phone, the guy realized that a very important piece of software had probably been deleted. No fucking DUH, Mr. Super Geek!!

I thought I was in the shitter when I found a CD that had an updated version of the necessary software which I had never installed and apparently kept for a rainy day. ..ya' know, the day I would finally put my lazy ass into gear and take care of it. Today was that day, I installed it in a matter of minutes and voila! I fixed my own computer. No thanks to those tard geeks who fucked it up.

And if all that wasn't a total pain in the ass, I walked to this end of the house this evening only to find my thermostat was shut off which means the pan belonging to the A/C unit that cools this side of the house had filled with water prompting the automatic shut-off of the A/C unit. If it weren't for the hot, humid, high 90 degree days we've been having for the past 2 weeks, I would have waited to call the A/C company 'til normal business hours on Monday. It just wasn't possible and the after hours fee for just showing up is $229! That doesn't include any additional parts so here's to hoping that no additional parts are needed!

Fuck. Things happen in 3s. OY!! I couldn't possibly be stupid enough to guess what that third thing could be as I don't want to jinx myself!

UPDATE: Forget that whole 'things happen in 3s' business, I just TOTALLY lucked out!

The A/C man showed up about 8:30 this evening. It was exactly as I had thought, the pan had filled with water automatically shutting off the A/C unit. He had to drain the pan, replace the pan, drain the algae build-up and charge me up the ying-yang for everything. Only when he heard that their company is the one that has performed all our maintenance services and repairs for the past 8 years, he crossed out all the fees that applied to tonight's visit and had me sign my name on the dotted line. Yup, the visit was FREE! He said with the amount of jelly-like algae that he drained from the drain pipe, there was NO way that the tech who showed up to perform our spring maintenance this past April ever drained that pipe. Since I have a maintenance agreement and it was just a few short months ago that this maintenance service occurred, the visit this evening was FREE.

I could have jumped the A/C man's bones, I was so damn excited! Um...but I didn't.

are y'all blind??!

*snicker*

No one has yet to mention my newest blog advertisement over on my sidebar.

----------------------------> Yes, over there.

For those of you who've been with me for awhile, you may remember the advertisements I've created for the various blogs I've had. I first got the idea quite some time ago from Fab. I realize now, that I will never work for a big-time advertising agency...but at least I'm having fun!

Just bringing this to everyone's attention because I'll be switching them out every so often. In the meantime, I'd like your feedback. And if you have any of your own ideas, feel free to create them and Email them to me and I'll post them here.

if this doesn't creep you out...

It's been awhile since I've talked about that dating site I belong to. I thought I'd treat ya'll to yet another nifty tale.

About a week or so ago, a man contacted me. Not an unusual thing for a single woman to be contacted by a man on a dating site, right?! A bit unusual, though, that he asked questions about my kids and not about me!

Here is the response I sent him:

Honestly, do you REALLY think I'm gonna' tell a perfect stranger the names and ages of my kids?! This is a DATING site, shouldn't you be asking questions about me instead of finding such an interest in my children?

Talk about creepy.

Let's just say, he was less than pleased with my response. He went a bit postal actually, telling me that he has a young daughter and would never react the way that I did. Well yeah...because most pedophiles are men, moron! WTF does he have to worry about? I assume it's not often a Mary Kay LeTourneau comes along on a dating site!

He told me that my response told him everything he needed to know about me. My response?

And your response told me everything I need to know about you, as well. At least you can't associate the word 'pedophile' with me.

And then I blocked him and reported him to the dating site. Didn't refer to him as a pedophile per se because he might just be a major pervert and I didn't want to falsely accuse him of anything, but I did tell them they should be careful with whom they allow to use their site.

His profile reads as follows:

I am a successful lawyer / real estate developer , recently appointed honorary Vice-Consul , and presently living in Europe. I am out-going, disciplined, fun loving, sensitive , and my friends say I have a good sense of humour...I enjoy going out to diner and a movie , as well as partying....

This is how it should read:

I am a successful lawyer, real-estate developer and pedophile. I live in a padded cell in Canada but I like to tell people I live in Europe because aside from my being a freaky pervert, I'm too stupid to know the difference between Europe and North America. I'm 40 years old and I still like to party in the bars because that's where I can find all the younger women.


You meet all kinds online, don't ya'?!

do not disturb

The title of this post is to a movie that is on in the background as I write this. It is probably one of the worst movies ever made. The premise is a couple's 10-year old mute daughter witnesses a murder while they're on vacation in Amsterdam and the bullshit that ensues with the killers trying to, ahem, silence her. Heh, like she wasn't already silent enough, right? Aside from Meg Tilly being in this movie, the worst part about it is that everyone talks like they're from New York. I realize the importance of understanding the people speak, but they couldn't have had the actors speak with some kind of accent to make it a little more realistic?!

Until this very moment, no one has ever known how much I despise Meg Tilly. She not only couldn't act her way out of a paper bag, but every time she speaks, she reminds me of those ditzy women in porn flicks who, well, shouldn't speak - stupid and with no conviction in their voices.

I truly believe that each and every one of us has something that we just can't stand no matter what. I'm interested in hearing yours. 'Fess up!

a little bit of this, a little bit of that

Forgive me, bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been 5 days since I last posted.

*snickers*

How's that for a Jewish girl's unholy confession?!

So...some things have happened since the last time I wrote. Friday night was my son's birthday party. I can't recall if I mentioned anything about it but I threw him a dance. He and 24 of his closest friends rocked it out for 4 hours Friday night to 70's music through to today and boy, did they have a blast! I found an AWESOME DJ who really knew how to interact with kids, planned out games for them and showed them a great time! It was a total hit and I'm once again patting myself on the back for a job well done!

All that happiness was short-lived, however, with my son running away from his dad's house today. I will not disclose the circumstances as to why 'cause those of you who've been reading my blog for some time now know that I no longer talk about personal issues with regards to the person who shall not be mentioned here. It's a long story and should any of you wish to find out the details, feel free to Email me. In the end, my son was found by his dad making his way back here, he's fine and that's all that counts.

In happier news, my son is on the middle school football team at his school! He attended flag football camp last week at which point one of the coaches told everyone that whomever shows up for practice this week is definitely on the football team. My son was selected to be a wide receiver and to say that he's excited, would be an understatement. And I am a very proud former hockey mom soon-to-be football mom!

day 5 - gettin' the fuck outta' dodge

I'm gonna' skip straight to the airplane ride home because hearing about us having breakfast and impatiently sitting around the lobby of our hotel waiting for our driver to pick us up doesn't make for good blogging material.

Okay...remember, this is only my daughter's second flight.

So we're on the plane and everything was fine at first. The woman originally seated next to me moved to the back of the plane. I think a few seats had become available and she and her husband wanted to sit together. I thought that could only be a positive sign of a good flight ahead of us, having the entire row to myself, since I despise smaller planes and the uncomfortable nature of having to sit in such close quarters with a stranger sitting next to me.

It was just coincidental that towards the beginning of the flight, I made sure there was an air sickness bag in the seat pocket in front of my daughter's seat. It was towards the end of the flight that made me feel like we were in that 1980 movie Airplane and something fucked up was going on in the cockpit.

We suddenly started going from side to side. Taking excessive dips during our descent that even made my stomach do flip-flops. I was trying not to think about it, and then...

"Mom, I don't feel so good."

Fuuuuuuuck!!!!

I grabbed that air sickness bag so fast, I'm sure I was too quick for the human eye to see! I put it underneath her nose, told her to close her eyes, to try to think of something else and to breathe through it. All the while, I was in a cold sweat and feeling like I could yarf at any second, too. Had their been an air sickness bag in my possession I wouldn't have been able to control myself so it was a blessing that there wasn't. Could you have imagined two people simultaneously barfing?! What a lovely thought! So I had to do the same as my daughter and do my best not to think about it. It was the worst 10 minutes of both our lives.

We landed and she let out such a huge sigh of relief into that bag. When we got into the terminal, I got her the biggest, coldest bottle of water she's ever seen and she downed that baby in less than a minute! By the time we got to our car in the parking lot, she was a very happy camper again. As was I.

That's the end to my NYC tale and like the trip, I'm glad it's over.

day 4 - the last day in hell

So where was I?

Oh right, the fight. The following morning, our last day, my family acted like nothing had happened and brushed it under the rug like they do with all their other demons.

Didn't have to rush out the door first thing in the morning so I spent some time that morning and the night before packing and trust me, I couldn't do it fast enough!

By 10 am, it was very important (that's right, according to my sister), to be at the Hershey store near Times Square. Right, the Hershey store, directly across the street from the M&M store which I've been to before and which I know my kids would have preferred seeing since it was 3 floors of M&M paraphernalia compared to one floor at the Hershey store, but whatever...the kids each bought something, had fun looking at the enormous-sized candy bars and then we were off to show them the sleaze that is Times Square.

We had to meet up with one of my sister's friends and her kids for lunch at an Italian eatery by 11 am. I've met her friend before and she has kids my kids' ages so it was very nice to see her again and meet her kids plus my kids enjoyed themselves. Just the fact that we had to follow such a strict schedule was the ridiculous part.

After a nice, leisurely lunch, we walked a few blocks to the theater where my mom, the kids and I would see Mary Poppins. Originally, it was supposed to be both my parents that attended but my sister decided that my son was being too much of a brat (I am not mincing words) and suggested that I go in place of my dad because I can control the kids better. Given what had transpired the day before between my dad and my son, I readily agreed to this change because at least I knew that my kids would have a good time and not constantly be ridiculed by my father. Turns out that my sister and parents have very little faith in my kids because my kids were on their best behavior, never acted up or out once and adored the show which was wonderful and definitely the highlight of the trip for me. If you ever get to NYC, it's a must-see.

Afterwards, we met up with my father and sister at a Kosher restaurant called Ben's Deli, we ordered too much, we ate too much and we left feeling like we were about to explode.

Back at the hotel, my daughter got one last kick out of my calling up the front desk and asking for a bucket of ice to be delivered to our room. We cuddled, talked about the trip and went to bed.

I was SO ready to leave!