the hairy eyeball

Have you ever met someone who hates children? I did today.

I took my kids to see a movie today and at the time we arrived, we were the only ones in the theater. The kids were excited, thinking that we'd have the theater all to ourselves...until this woman walked in.

The kids were acting a little rambunctious so I told them that they had to behave because the theater wasn't "theirs" anymore. Just then, the woman gave a very inappropriate and unnecessary response:

"Sorry.". Imagine hearing that in the most snide, obnoxious, caustic tone of voice.

I glared at her. She's lucky she didn't look at me because my eyes would have most definitely burnt a hole through her.

The kids were in a good mood and were laughing very loudly. It was infectious and I found myself laughing along with them. Just then, Cunting Hagitha McBitch turned and stared first at my daughter and then my son.

I was about to say something. And suddenly I heard "Ew.".

The voice was my daughter's. I looked at her, and she had met this woman's gaze, said what she felt was necessary and did so with the most amazingly evil expression on her face! I've taught her well!

After the movie, my kids needed to use the restroom. Guess who was waiting inside the ladies room?! Yup, her. Even though she was ahead of us, she saw my daughter really had to go and with a smirk on her face, brushed past my daughter who took it all completely in stride, peered through the stall door and said in a very strong tone of voice "Hater."!!!

We looked at each other and just started laughing our heads off. I had to top it off with "It's really ashame honey. Some people just have a real problem being nice.".

Without hesitating she added "Yep. Sucks to be her.".

I'm thinking I need to curb my mouth around my kids a little bit better!

what the hairy fuck?!?!

I don't get it. I just can't imagine what goes through someone's mind when stealing...

A FUCKING SUNFLOWER PLANT!!!!!!

Yup, a plant. Something that grows in soil and thrives in the sun.

The story begins at the end of May, when my daughter brought home a sunflower sapling that she had started to grow in her class. We've spent all this time since nursing it, watching it grow taller and taller and just as we returned home from our trip last week, it finally opened to produce a lovely brilliant-yellow sunflower.

I called my landscaper during the drive home from our vacation last Friday and asked him to prune my shrubs for me during his next visit. I am usually very good about doing it myself but we're having a very hot summer so far and in order for me to do it, I have to either get up very early in the morning or do it at dusk as these are obviously the coolest part of the day. The downside to that is that there are bugs, and I am not good with bugs especially mosquitos that just dig nibbling my skin. I may not be so sweet but my blood certainly is! ;) Plus, I've always had a wasp problem where they burrow their nests into my shrubs and I can't prune when it gets hot because then the wasps swarm.

So the last thing on my TO DO list lately has always been pruning the shrubs and surprisingly enough, I've been extremely busy with other things this summer but when I noticed that it was starting to obstruct our view out the kitchen windows, I knew I had to do something.

I was really regretting asking the landscaper to do it because the last time I asked him to do it, which was years ago when I was still married, his workers did only half the shrubs during one particular visit, and by the time they got to the ones they missed the first time, the first set had to be cut again! I ended up ripping our landscaper a new one out of shear frustration which backfired when he said he was dropping me as a client! I begged, pleaded and kissed his ass but good to get him to keep us as a client, mainly because it was during the busy season and I knew there was no way another landscaping service would be willing to take us on so late in the season.

His guys showed up today and they started cutting the hedges, they look great and I'm pleased that the job is done and I didn't have to lift a finger to do it for a change. However, one of them decided before leaving my house that taking my daughter's sunflower plant was a great idea!

*blank stare*

Again, yes, they stole my daughter's fucking plant! Something she had become so proud of as she herself had watered and nursed it into a beautiful flower. And it's something I just can't fathom..who the fuck steals a plant and furthermore, does so from a child?!

I became extremely upset by this, almost to the point of tears. I know that must sound silly and odd to some of you but anyone who has a child can understand how hurt I felt by this.

Now I don't want to say anything derogatory about Mexican immigrants because the ones working for my landscaper always do a phenomenal job. But the only person who could have stolen it was one of them. I was home the entire day, most of the front of my house is made up of windows and I'm pretty observant that I'm pretty sure I would have seen if some random person was trying to sneak away with a nearly 5 foot plant under their arm!

No, the only person who could have done such a thing was one of these guys and I'm sorry, a sunflower doesn't look like a fucking weed and if these guys would take care of the weeds in my flowerbeds the way they were supposed to, I would understand a little bit better if they thought it was a weed and were just trying to do their job.

So I confronted my landscaper and in a jovial way so as not to offend him or act accusatory, I explained to him that his guys were the only ones who could have taken the plant. And even though he apologized and said he'd "investigate", I'm sure he'll come back to tell me that all his guys denied taking it.

Which is fine because I told my daughter that tomorrow, while out doing our errands, we're going to get a new pot and sunflower seeds and she can start over from scratch.

And subtract the amount it costs us to buy these items from my next landscaping bill.

*sly grin*

the art of online dating essays

If there's anything I've learned from online dating is that I really know how to write an eye-catching essay. I'm not the usual "I'm a down-to-earth, intelligent, hard-working woman who loves to laugh and play..." type of person. Every other person has something that reads like that and I'm tired of my head falling into my Special K from boredom. No, I definitely have a talent for attracting attention. Or, should I say, attracting all the wrong people.

My recent 'about me' essay reads like this:

Hello? Anyone out there with a sense of humor?! I've grown somewhat weary of men responding to me whose personalities match that of day-old chewing gum. Or perhaps the gum has more personality, sometimes it's hard to tell. I'm a northern-born, southern-loving, full-time mom who's fun, bold, honest, sincere, independent and so much more! Simply put, you either like my brash and sassy attitude or your don't. Looking for a guy who has personality, charm, can easily make me laugh and who's not afraid to take chances. And who only has one chin and no manboobs. I don't share my bras with anyone! As for me, I am pre-approved and I meet all the necessary FDA requirements! I am a strong, self-sufficient, mentally stable woman looking for the same in a man. Just looking for something real - love or lust, whichever comes first. I'm not too hung up on appearances so if you don't look like Brad Pitt, that's fine. However, if your face resembles Brad Pitt's tuchas, then we have a problem. Really now, what captures my attention are sparkling eyes and a great smile. Those and a really huge beer gut that extends over the top of your pants. You should know, that I pass wind for sport and have won awards in 4 different countries for my ability to expel gas on command. I was just saying that to see if you were paying attention. If you don't find this essay repulsive or you've laughed at least once, please feel free to contact me!

The other day this dick contacted me:

the gas part is nice... do you make love with the red wig on or off?

He was referring to this picture

which isn't even me. It's of the Woman in Red from the movie Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. I'm not even gonna' take the time to explain why I posted it but most people can tell from the other photos I have posted on my profile, that she doesn't even remotely look like me so they don't bother asking me stupid questions about it.

This was my response: How tasteful it was for you to mention sex in an initial Email to someone.

His response: the word sex does not appear in my initial email. so do you have sex with the wig on?

Did I mention that this is a 51 year old man asking me this?!

My final response: Are you always this much of an idiot? No need to respond, it was a rhetorical question. Besides, you've been blocked so I don't need to receive anymore asinine responses from you.

Then a guy writes me and asks if I can fart any tunes for him. Unfortunately, this was not the first such request. I asked him if he would like me to toot Beethoven's 5th for him and he said just as long as it wasn't his second movement. I know. I so walked into that one. And yes, communication with him ended there.

I guess these are just one of many things one must suffer through when being such an artist.

*heavy sigh*

another dating post

It's been awhile since I've entertained you with tales of stupid men. I've compiled some stories and thought I'd share them with you.

Remember the challenged guy from the dating site who asks one stupid question after another?

Here's a guy who's been trying to meet someone on this dating site for what he says is going on 10 years now yet constantly complains on the message board about how lonely he is, how no one likes him and how desperate he is to meet someone, totally depresses the shit out of everyone with his inane postings and he then he goes and poses at a recent party like this...

Now tell me that's not the scariest, most unattractive photo you've ever seen. I really hope he doesn't wonder why people are repulsed by him. I honestly lost my appetite the first time I viewed that photo (and every time thereafter).

Then a guy wrote me this:

Take a look at my profile and photos. You will find that we have alot in common. I can't believe it. Were both Cancers. We both wear our emotions on our sleeve. Not afraid to speak our minds...But there could be one little issue as I see you don't really want to move? Well maybe we can work something out..but I have a very special 10 year old son who lives in the Los Angeles area. Are your photos ? your very attractive. If you would like to chat on the phone I can send you my contact info.


This is one of those situations where I must break things down for you...

First of all, how many times do you think I've heard that line "we have so much in common" when I have absolutely nothing in common with them? Too many to count. The guy says we're both Cancers and that means we have so much in common. Ya' know what I have to say to that? Freak.

Here was the one line that really pissed me off...But there could be one little issue as I see you don't really want to move? Well maybe we can work something out..but I have a very special 10 year old son who lives in the Los Angeles area.

"Hey Jack (no, his name's not really Jack). Perhaps you missed the part in my profile, which I just happen to mention several times, that I have two kids and I won't relocate because of them. It's not a matter of wanting or not wanting to relocate, although in your case, I wouldn't relocate if you stood on your head, spun around 6 times and sang The National Anthem. Furthermore, you're not in my age range, you live 3,000 miles away and it's pretty presumptuous of you that I would be willing to "work things out" just because you have an interest in doing so. I don't know if you've been out of the dating scene for awhile, but it takes two to have a relationship."

Yes, that was my exact response. Those of you who've been visiting my blog for awhile know how I feel - life's too short to mince words. Better off giving it to these guys straight even it means they run right out and jump in front of the next moving car. One could only hope.

I think I get so bent out of shape with these guys because I clearly state in my profile what I'm looking for, what my limitations are and then along come these guys with these God-like complexes who get the notion that all women would be willing to drop anything and everything just to be with them. And you should see most of them! They must have really big schlongs or be really super terrific in bed or something to have such expectations because I'd have to put bags over their heads or be passed out drunk just to get that far with them. Not to be mean or anything.

*snicker*

Then he asks "are your photos ?". Are my photos what?! Are they mine? Yes. Are they beautiful? Of course. Are you lucky to be viewing them? No question about it. WTF is he trying to ask me?! Some of these men really need to take a crash course in how to contact women.

This is definitely one of those times I feel like Jim Carrey in "The Truman Show" where I feel like someone is watching me and laughing at me.

to my neighbors in south carolina

Let's make a deal, shall we?

I promise to stop flipping y'all off if y'all learn how to fucking drive.

'Kay assholes?!

Yeah, I knew you'd see it my way.

the clash

I don't know about any of you women, but I have always gotten along better with men. I've found out over time, that put a bunch of women together and they are nothing more than competitive, back-stabbing, vengeful bitches.

So it's no surprise to me that I have butted heads with several women on this dating site. One of said women is a self-proclaimed Jewish American Princess aka a snob. I can't imagine why she would be proud of displaying such an attitude but...whatever. She has definitely proven it with some of the things she's written on the message board. For the most part I've stayed far away from responding to her posts but I will read them and say to my computer screen as if speaking to her directly, "You dumb fucking blonde. You so deserve to be bitch-slapped.".

Another gal who leaves me wanting to punch her every which way to Sunday, is nothing more than just plain annoying. She writes the most nonsensical posts such as "Who do you think will get voted off of AI?" (can you see how that relates to dating and relationships?!) and then I usually find myself responding out loud with something like "If you were surrounded by a group of thugs in a dark alley, who do you think would punch you first?". That's a trick question, folks. Everyone would punch her all at once. Trust me on that one.

Many of these people from the message board have planned and had extensive get-togethers. Some people have traveled from CA to NYC, if you can believe that one! People in Florida has a group that gets together weekly. Anyway, this gal I mentioned above is planning a summer party in Philly only she wants to have it here which is an hour outside of Philadelphia. NOTE: I've linked you to the events calendar so you can see for yourselves what a truly exciting place this is to visit! I'm sure it'll leave you wanting to explore the rest of the site. *rolls eyes*

Tell me why would you invite someone to Philadelphia, a city that has so much to offer, and then force them to travel outside of the city to an old drek town with crap restaurants, shit art galleries that feature wannabe artists and general store-type shopping that has that special Little House on the Prairie feel to it when you can have a beautiful, world-famous art museum, fun clubs with a direct view of the Delaware River and TONS of things to do like South Street and the Philadelphia Zoo? Plus eat foods that Philly is famous for like cheesesteaks, soft pretzels, Water Ice and Birch Beer just to name a few.

While I ignore the first gal I mentioned, I always like to fuck with this gal because I know how much she dislikes me and how she always has something to say to me. Here's how the conversation went...

Me: While I'm not attending, I'd like to add in my two cents...As a native of Philadelphia, yes New Hope is picturesque but there's not a whole lot to do there.

Biyotch: Um, the committee completely 100% disagrees if you're talking about eating, drinking, shopping, browsing, art galleries, candy stores, and a playhouse (she's referring to theater, not an actual play house for those of you who thought she might be referring to a tree house or something!).


OMG, I need to stop you right there. Look what she mentions as the high points of the trip. That could all be done in the heart of Philadelphia and then some! Oh but that's right, Philly only has theaters not a charming little playhouse. Oh well then forget it! New Hope it is!!


Me: Just gave you my opinion, that's all. Makes very little sense to me to invite people to Philly and then take them to New Hope, a hop, skip and jump from the Jersey border! Might as well take 'em to Lancaster, PA where they can tour Amish farms and smell horse manure!


I was out most of the day today and was really looking forward to another one of her dumbass responses. I scrolled up and down the first six pages of the message board but couldn't find the thread. I checked and re-checked. Nope, it wasn't there - it had been deleted! This meant one of two things happened - someone responded nastily enough to my comment that customer service felt the entire thread deserved to be deleted or the gal who initiated the thread, the one who's hosting the party in Philly and who's obviously in favor of having the event in New Hope, contacted customer service and asked for the thread to be removed from the boards. Meaning, she'll do further arranging in private where I can't interfere with my honest and truthful insight. I know how this gal operates - within 5 minutes of the post being removed, she probably contacted everyone who intends on going on this trip by Email explaining why the thread had been removed and told them that any further scheduling would be done privately through Email. How totally laughable is that?!

I hope she has no dreams of becoming a travel agent. She would suck at it.

a big fat fucking OY!!!!!!!

I joined a free Jewish online dating service. I can't recall where I saw the advertisement for it but I figured, what could it hurt? But free never brings quality as you will see with this message I just received. I entitle it "Can you say bitter?".

Hey there, I'm Greg.

I'm 41, pretty decent looking (at least Mom thinks so), and in desperate search of a soul mate. In the middle of a divorce now, but it's amiacable. I always pushed her to advance herself and her career, but I never wanted to be married to a manequine. Seems she has trouble distinguishing between sharing herself as a wife; and losing her independence.

I was always a lover, cuddler, deep and passionate kisser, etc. She, on the other hand is cold as ice. Now, I'm all for some alone time. The gals sometimes need to go out with the gals, etc. But come on.... it's not even about sex and orgasims (which are wonderful and I'm pretty damn good at the two), but it's more about human contact, loving, tenderness and the like. I want a woman who can simply hold my hand and gaze deeply into my eyes and "say" I love you without even saying a word.

As for kids... YEP. All for that. Been there, got the tee shirts to prove that. It's hard to believe your single looking like you do. You are strikingly beautiful, yet have a "girl next door" look about yourself. I've been a pilot for the last 18 years, but am currently a full-time student in an RN Nursing school here in S. Florida. Once I'm registered I can go anywhere and have a great paying and meaningful job. I should have a photo up shortly but if you like what you hear so far, please feel free to take the next step.

Yours,

Greg


Let me just start by saying, the one thing that puts me off the most, besides a man who is excessively bitter about an ex, is someone who says he can move to be with you before you've even met him.

So do you think I responded to him?! C'mon! You know I did!

Subject: TMI

Greg,

I sympathize with your present situation, but I suggest if you want to meet someone on a dating site, that you not lay into your wife and what she may not have offered you. That part of the message you sent me was almost as bad as someone who talks about an ex on a first date. I also didn't really care to know about sex and orgasms and if you think those are appropriate topics to cover in an initial Email, you're mistaken.

I wish you the best of luck but because of bad personal experiences, it's my policy never to engage in any type of contact with someone who's only separated.

Good luck in your search and in your career.


I think the best part of his message was "if you like like what you hear so far". Like what I hear?! How could I like what I hear?! You're bashing your fucking wife AND you're trying to meet someone while doing it!

Uch, this online dating is really for the fucking birds, lemme' tell you.

this guy needs to be medicated

Other than my recent disappointing communication with dear Yossi, It's been a little while since I posted anything about the dating site. As y'all know, there's always something to tell.

Like this one guy, who sent me the following Email two days in a row, probably because I didn't respond to him the first time. He must have thought it was so well-written and so awe-inspiring, that I must have mistakenly forgotten to respond the first time so he had to send it a second. I have encountered some persistent men before but none who send the same exact message more than once.

How are you gorgeous
Message: Hi there,
I just went through your profile and i really love it. I would really like to know more about you.
I would like to do anything to have you next to me. I'm Alfred, 32 yr old male, 6'1'' tall, Caucasian, Grey hair, and Average body type.
I'm from Roseville, Michigan, and i am into import and export of textiles, that makes me an international businessman. I am currently operating for the mean time in the United Kingdom soon and i do hope we do get along very well.
I travel a lot tho maybe that's why i do not have a woman of my own yet but i am willing to relocate no matter what but to please my woman is all i want.
I am willing to settle down back at home and i can't endure loneliness.

How do you think we can communicate? I use yahoo messenger and my ID is (deleted).
You can feel free so send me a mail (deleted)
My picture is in my email and its not attaching to this site. Maybe i'll forward it to your email. I'd like to have that if you don't mind tho.
Well, i really do think i'm a nice guy on my own and i need someone like me.
All i need for myself is someone who i can make happy, give her all her heart desires, and she gives me her love in return.
I do hope i am in the right place tho.
Hope to talk to you soon.

Alfred

I need to break this one down because there are some things I must point out.

First of all, I hate it when a guy thinks it's okay to call someone names like 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful' right off the bat. Some people might find it endearing, it just makes the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention. I don't know why I get so creeped out by it, I just do.

He lists specific details about himself which annoys the shit outta' me mainly because if I'm curious about someone, it should be left up to me whether or not I want to find out more about that person without particulars being thrown at me against my will! Furthermore, look how he points out that he's caucasian. Well, I'm sorry folks, but if the guy were Jewish, would he even have to mention that?! I realize there are Jews of every color in this world but the guy has a picture posted so I can clearly see on my own that he's white!

I don't have a woman of my own yet? Why must he make a relationship sound like slavery?! I can't endure loneliness?! This guy doesn't need to be in a relationship, he needs a fucking therapist.

How do you think we can communicate?. Oh, I don't know, by smoke signals? This is the first one I'll send him - Not. In. This. Lifetime. How's that for communication?!

Maybe i'll forward it to your email. I'd like to have that if you don't mind tho.. Actually, I do mind. Wouldn't it be more appropriate for someone to ask to have someone's Email address and not just assume that they'll send it no questions asked? "Oh sure, here's my Email. And while we're at it, please take my Social Security #, too.". Asshat.

Well, i really do think i'm a nice guy on my own and i need someone like me. If you're a nice guy on your own, does that mean you act like a total piece of shit when in a group of people? And if you need someone like you, I'm sure you can find a doctor who would be interested in cloning you and then you can admire yourself all the time for the great person you think you are.

Hope to talk to you soon. Keep hoping, Alfred.

Oh don't worry. I have more to share with you.

temper temper, Yossi

I'm dying here!

First of all, if someone wrote you the kind of shit I've been writing this guy, would you continue to communicate back-and-forth or would you have already blocked the person? If it were me, I would have already blocked this person and reported him. Despite Yossi's answers, I really think he's enjoying this verbal sparring match which so far, I'm winning hands down. I'm like the Mike Tyson of the online dating world.

So Yossi has surfaced again. He's really not a man of many words. He's made this too easy for me so I've decided to block him since it's really not fun attacking him and have him sit there like a fucking pussy and taking it!

Here's what Yossi had to say about my last comment...

U DON'T LIKE MY PIC .......U DONT LIKE MY PROFILE.....SO I GOT NOTHING TO OFFER U


And my final response...

I noticed that you read my message 2 days ago. It took you this long to come up with that? WOW, I'm SO impressed!

As for offering ME anything, who said I wanted anything from YOU?! Please Yossi, don't flatter yourself. You're about as appealing to me as a case of foot fungus. Remember YOU viewed my profile first. I didn't go searching for you 'cause frankly if I had seen you first, I would have passed you right by.

As for your profile, when all you say is 'ASK ME' what do you expect people to write?! "Oh Yossi, you're my one and only! I can see how much we have in common!". Hate to break it to you, Prince Charmless, but if you think the women are gonna' fall all over you based on those PHENOMENAL photos you have posted, you're living in a dream world.

Best of luck to you, I'm sure you'll need every bit of help you can get.


That's all folks. The bitch is done for now.

Yossi, take 2

Folks, I can't believe it but he responded! Not that I really understand what he wrote, though.

If you recall, I asked him why he looked like a grouch in all of his pictures. His response was...

I 'M NOT A GROHCH ......SO W NEXT???????


I spelled "grouch" for him and he couldn't even spell it right. Obviously, English is not his first language.

I assume "so w next?" could be defined as " so next", meaning he wanted me to ask more questions so what do you think I did?!

You're not? Is that why you have a mean expression on your face in each picture? Do you ever smile? Ya' know, you might actually get women interested if you don't look like you hate the world.

Okay, I'll ask you another question...

Why don't you mention anything about yourself on your profile? What makes you think women are going to be interested in you if they don't know anything about you?


I eagerly await his response. I assume if he was dumb enough to respond the first time, he'll do so again. This is probably the most attention he's gotten, ya' know, since his profile is just chocked full of personal information and all.

sometimes mondays do suck balls

Are you a technological retard like me?!

Two Hanukkahs ago, my parents gave me a DVD player. As I've said before, I'm very resistant to change. Before I received this gift, I swore up and down I would never get a DVD player because I'm not into these technological toys. I have all these VHS tapes that I bought for my kids when they were younger because I had several VCR's throughout my house and I had one in my minivan. When I got my new minivan 2 years ago, I wasn't given a choice, it came with a DVD player so I had to buy some DVDs.

I've never used this DVD player. If the kids want to watch a movie, we either go to the theater or they watch something on ON DEMAND. I don't rent movies because I think it's a waste of time since we see most of the kids movies in the theater anyway and I don't see the point of making a trip to a video store when I can pretty much find the same thing if not more on ON DEMAND.

But of course, I'm starting this new exercise program that includes these DVDs. I have "Blogging Elbow" which, of course, is exactly like Tennis Elbow only it's from time spent in front of the computer and not on the courts. This keeps me from doing the tittie presses, shoulder presses and the other upper body machinery at the gym so I need something else to work my overall body. I can't just not workout and frankly, doing something in the comfort of one's own home is always easier.

So I have these new DVDs but my DVD player doesn't work. It did at one time but it's been so long since I tested it out, that, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how the fuck to work it. And I know all the cables coming and going are not in the right spots. I spent quite a bit of time playing with it this morning and it got to the point where I had several choices: 1) punch a hole through the wall, 2) tear my hair out or 3) call the cable company and tell them to get their fannies out to my house.

The biggest problem I'm having is that despite the fact that my VCR is not even plugged into the wall socket, it's still connected to the cable box so when I disconnect this one cable, my TV goes bonkers. Ordinarily, this would be normal for the few moments it would take to switch the cable from the VCR to the DVD player but there is no spot on my DVD player for this specific cable to connect to so I need some kind of additional connector. Considering that this is a cable box issue and I can't tell my elbow from my asshole in this situation, my cable company is going to fix this problem if I have anything to say about it! Unfortunately, these tards can't get to my house 'til next Monday and that's all because I have to have a morning appointment. An afternoon appointment doesn't work with me because I'm gone every afternoon picking up my kids from school and with my luck they'd come while I was out.

The customer service guy was trying to walk me through it and I was just not into it. I had already given up, pushed my TV back into place and there was no fucking way in hell that I was going to appease this guy by going back and looking at the madness going on behind my TV again. He kept talking to me about cable this and cable that and I finally told him enough! I told him it wasn't my problem that my DVD player was not digital cable box-ready and that if a cable box wasn't needed in order to be able to use their service, I wouldn't be having this issue hence I wouldn't have to be talking to him!

Ever get so frustrated with someone you just want to cry?! Every get really super frustrated with someone when they tell you to calm down?!

In the meantime, I have one of those portable DVD players which I'll just use until the stupid cable man gets his ass out here next week.

And now I've lost the motivation to workout but I think I burned off enough energy from talking to the shit ass over the phone so I'm not so worried.

i can't make this shit up

This is about as fucked up as I can get for today.

I have a feeling some of you really don't believe the stories I tell you about the brain damaged 32 year old guy from the dating site,


so I decided the best way to convince y'all would be to post some of the asinine threads that he creates on the message board. When I'm done, I'm sure you'll despise him as much as I do. Or want to bash your head against the wall for reading his shit. So here it goes...

Does anyone know when love started and why it started such a trend in the world

Hmm...this is a difficult one to answer. I believe love started in 1666 between John Smith and Pochahantas. WTF?!?!?!?


why do all of some post sound so disgusting, I want to heave. This is a dating website, talk about dating, not something ridiculous and out of this world, come on people. Get the ball rolling, get something better than all this no sense talk. I do not want to sound so harsh, just come on

Which is it, 'all' or 'some'?!

This coming from the one who writes the most "no sense" threads on the board and from the one who said in a thread that his spunk was sweet, salty and creamy.


why in the name of god don't people say somehting in my post. I am hurt and ashamed I write in here, I notice the crazyones get away with everything and I don't

You might be wondering why, if he's so ashamed, does he continue to plague the boards with his crap?! This type of thread is one that he posts at least once a week and has done so for the past several months.


I always wondered if I am cute enough to date. Been pretty lame these days. I find that know one wants to become serious with me. Is this because I am not so cute. I wish I was hot like fire, but I feel UN cute. Whats my problem

What's your problem? This might take some time to list all of them.

Months ago, this guy asked people on the board to critique his profile. I wrote to him and told him that he needed new pictures since all he had were ones with his mouth hanging open and/or ones with sunglasses or a hat on. He responded that where I live and where he lives are totally different and that all women think he's cute. Trust me when I tell you, that I've seen some candid shots of this guy, and he's not the least bit cute.


Do you think the outfit you wear on a date will impress a female. Do you think your smell has a lot to do with attraction and the right drink you get and how you express your true self, does this get a rise in attention to women out there hunting for there dream man or is this all bull honkey doodle talk

Yes, I do think your smell has a lot to do with it so next time you're getting ready to go on a date, make sure you take a dump in the middle of your bathroom floor and roll around in it for awhile. I'm sure the woman will be very impressed with your smell. As for the drink, make sure you order a Shirley Temple. Those drinks are cool and the women won't laugh at you at all...trust me.

Bull honkey doodle talk?! C'mon folks, are these the words a normal 32 year old male would use?! I think not!

I'm glad that I made the decision to step away from the boards. Not participating, it's amazing how one is able to see things in a different light. The boards are so drab! The people, so superficial. The threads - *yawn* - a serious bore!

It's hard to imagine that I ever wasted time contributing to these boards! Onto bigger and better things!

a stand - update

I deleted the previous post because I came to my decision soon after I published it that I'm just not wasting my time with this bullshit. After reading through the posts on the board, it is amazing to me the two-faced nature of many of those involved. People whom I'd met before and developed an actually friendship with included. People who've written me and told me how much they like and appreciate me for my honesty revealed their true feelings this evening. I honestly feel like I'm back in high school again and because of that, I refuse to participate in the message board games any longer.

And that's all they are, games. People who are ready to stab each other in the back without blinking an eye. I don't play such juvenile games. Maybe I did when I was 14 years old, but no longer. Life is too short to waste it on people who are only interested in slamming the next person who comes along.

It doesn't surprise me how many showed their true colors. I know that I'm one of the few that acts the same way online as I do in person. I am not fake, I have never pretended to be anything I'm not, I have never been devious and done or said anything downright awful behind one's back.

That's it. I told you I would update you when I knew more and this is it. Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

dipshit central - a message board update

Apparently I've really pinched quite a few nerves on the message board! I've become the topic of conversation with people writing about me left and right, even writing personal Emails to each other about what a bitch I am! Amazing how I'm getting personally attacked but it's okay for a dense, half-brained dingbat to post threads about his spunk being salty, sweet and creamy. That's certainly an appropriate topic for a dating and relationship message board, don't you think?!

At some point today, I'm expecting the interrogation to begin, with Emails asking me if I had this guy booted. Like I'm about to trust any of those people and spill my guts! Denial, denial, denial. Who? What? Where am I?! *snickers*

Here's the latest update on the situation as I'm writing this...

He is suspended!
Posted: Today 12:30pm

I am on the phone w/ him now.

He doesn't know why or what happened. He's thinking it's b/c of the person we all think it is.

He wants us to start a petition and/or call CS.

I asked him if he was really upset and he said yes, he was crying and I said seriously and he said yes.

Guys, am I the only one who sees something wrong with a 32 year old "man" crying over being booted from a dating site for his unacceptable behavior?!

You wouldn't believe the number of threads that have been created on this topic alone and he's only been off the site for about an hour! Most of the people who've responded are on a witch hunt. They want my head on a platter and will stop at nothing to get it! I'm SO scared, lemme' tell you! I'm quaking in my New Balance sneakers. Even so, they're still too pussy to come right out and blame me directly.

The thing I don't get is how delusional these people are! Apparently, he's been booted permanently because it was his final warning which means in online dating lingo, he has so many complaints against him, they don't want him on their site anymore. But these people are spewing left and right how he's the most gentle soul on the boards and how he's done nothing wrong. Maybe y'all can figure out how one can have massive amounts of complaints against him yet can do no wrong!!!! Makes no sense to me!!

I will make sure to update you if anything of any interest happens between now and tonight.

don't fuck with karma. it has a way of kicking your ass.

Sometimes I really love myself. More than usual.

Ya'll remember this douche bag? I've blogged about his crap a few times already. His newest schtik is obsessing over a few members, everyday creating threads using their usernames as the titles of said threads. He is obsessed with them, declaring his love for them, gushing over them constantly. He has posted said threads everyday since last weekend. Annoying doesn't even break the ice on this one. While I won't speak for others, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I have a very bad habit of responding in a nasty manner to his posts. I'm being very honest but it comes across as mean to some. I can't help it - he strikes a nerve and I'm compelled to respond. Most of the time, I don't even respond to him directly, only to others in his posts. This seems to piss him and others off more than if I spoke my mind to him! Go figure!

Today, I had it. I posted a response to someone else's comment and he came back threatening to have me booted from the site. Well, y'all know I don't take kindly to threats. I called the dating site up and told them I wasn't gonna' stand for it anymore. I refused to get threatened by someone who monopolizes the message board and uses it as his own personal journal, writing nonsensical thread after nonsensical thread. While I was talking to this guy, dumbass wrote a post about me. I'm sure you can imagine that didn't go over too well with me or the guy I was speaking to. And ya' know what? The customer service rep. I spoke with completely agreed with me on every point I made. I already knew that there was a long list of complaints against him and that was it, he was suspended from the site and all his recent posts were deleted from the board.

After his posts were deleted, he was able to get one more post in before losing access to the site, entitled "Sorry" and said he was sorry for what he'd done and he wouldn't do it again. One of MANY empty apologies/promises he's made on numerous occasions. The problem is he's stupid, he doesn't even know how he offends people or what he's sorry for. I know they'll reinstate him and once they do, he'll be back posting on the boards about what a bitch I am so I guess I'll just have to keep getting him booted!

And now it seems I've created quite a stir on the message board with all the losers who rally around him to "protect" him starting a thread about him getting booted. Apparently, people know it's me and think I'm trash! And these are people who "pretend" to like me!!! LMAO!!!!!! You just gotta' love the fake people in this world! If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, give it time and everyone will show their true colors!!

Happy March, people!

on no you're not!

I'm not sure if any of you have noticed, but there've been some questionable characters who've found their way to my Chatterbox lately. Don't bother looking for them, they've been deleted. Thank God for the Chatterbox delete button!

Here's the deal...

No one will pimp their blog, website or troll my blog calling me or anyone else here obscene names. If there's gonna' be any pimping or name-calling on here, it's going to be me and me alone doing it!

But just a word to the douche-lickers who feel the need to come onto my blog to peddle your shit...I will get your IP address, hunt you down and kick your ass to Kingdom Come. The last person who tried to fuck with me on my blog was this close to going to court over it.

This has been a test. In the event of an actual ass-kicking, you would have seen Annie being carted away in cuffs on national news. We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging.

she's in, she's out

First she wanted her head to match her snatch.

Then she claimed "recovery" less than 24 hours after she entered rehab.

It's a bird!

It's a plane.

Uch, it's just Britney. Again.

I'm getting tired of her shenanigans. Frankly, she pisses me off because I felt forced to use the word 'shenanigans'. I hate that word. Almost as much as Britney.

If I was her mother, I'd yank her by the hair...um, strike that.

I'd force her at gunpoint into a hospital, strap her down myself and order massive amounts of drugs to be administered 24/7. After 30 days of round-the-clock dosing, she'd then get 30 more of intense, abusive therapy. Forget tough love, she needs a strong dose of reality.

Or a kick in the head with a golf shoe.

no no, I'M the father

I feel awful for Anna Nicole's baby. If it wasn't bad enough that there are 2 fathers claiming she's theirs, now there's a third numbskull that says she could be his!

Prince somebodyorother, one of Zsa Zsa Gabor's ex-husbands, is now saying he had a 10-year affair with Anna Nicole! Oy fucking Vey! Will this madness ever end?!

Then I heard through an unreliable source through the dating message board, that Anna Nicole had an unhealthy relationship with her son that passed away and that he could be the father!!!

Blech, I think I just threw up in my mouth.

If I were the judge in this paternity case, I would line 'em all up (well, except for the son of course) and do eenie meenie miney mo and settle it once and for all.

mailbox mayhem update

It's been some time since I reported on the Great Mailbox Caper. Mainly because there's been nothing to report. I haven't received one single phone call or Email regarding it. Except for last night...

I saw I had some mail piling up in my spam mailbox. I checked and there was an Email from the company that manages my subdivision. The subject of the message was Maintenance Request completed.

Oh no they did NOT!!!

No, if this job were complete, then I wouldn't keep having this vision of the head of security having my shoe surgically removed from his ass for not doing a damn thing to help me resolve the matter. Which is still an option if he doesn't get in touch with me and soon.

Of course I called the management company to speak to the bonehead who assured me that the head of security is really good about returning peoples' messages and let him know of my disappointment that no one got back to me regarding the matter. I wish I had more to report but that's it for now.

-oOo-

My hair stylist, Tess? I might be looking elsewhere to get my hair done soon. She's become a bitch. It's okay for her to tell me about the drama going on in her life but when I ask her one fucking question she gets...moody is the best way to describe it. I told her yesterday to stop acting like she's always on the rag. She didn't seem to like that remark. The remainder of the time she cut and styled my hair in silence. Good choice.

I'll have to wait and see. I suppose I can deal with her for 30 minutes of my time, once a month. Besides, it's just one more person who can suffer my wrath.

is it really possible to be that stupid?!

A few days ago, I posted about Paris Hilton's very personal belongings, including many unseen sex videos, winding up on the Internet after she failed to pay a bill for renting out a storage unit. It should come as no surprise that Paris Hilton is not at all pleased that her skanky snatch is now spread all over the Internet.

In a nutshell, the items that were in the storage unit belonged to her and her sister. Among such items are things like bank statements and medical records and she actually made a very good point that she wants this site shut down because she's afraid of theft identity. I know, pretty unreal that Paris Hilton made sense. Don't worry, I'm sure that won't happen again anytime soon.

However...

She also said that she was shocked when she learned that her personal belongings were auctioned off because she thought the moving company she used was supposed to pay for the storage unit.

*blank stare*

Okay, now what moving company do you know willingly pays for a customer's storage?! I'm thinking that she didn't get her facts staight there. What happened to the numerous times the person running the storage facility tried to contact her directly to pay her bill and she ignored the warnings?!

We know you're stupid, Paris, but c'mon!!!